I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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