I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Randomize
