Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
