Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
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