If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
