he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Your shirt... Was in my pants
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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