Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I just want nice things and good sex
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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