Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
i wish my penis had a tongue
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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