I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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