I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Randomize
