he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Randomize
