I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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