when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
