i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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