If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
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