it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
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Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
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My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
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