A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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