I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
25 People Confess The Most Awkward Situation They’ve Ever Been In
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
These Are 21 Of The Most Delusional People Ever
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.