People with herpes should wear stickers.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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