Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
