Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
its liver damage thursday
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
