walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
