I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize
