I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
