i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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