there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
