My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
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