i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
