just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
