Please, let me fuck your mom
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
When did we convert life to cartoon?
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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