Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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