Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
bring money and cleavage
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
