i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
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