Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
