If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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