I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
