When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
