just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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