my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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