And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Randomize
