How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
