I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
