On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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