what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
