R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
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