Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
