Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Randomize
