I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Randomize
