I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I just want nice things and good sex
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Randomize
