The maid of honor just puked.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
