11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Randomize
