you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Randomize
