That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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