she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Randomize
