This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
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Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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