I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
