I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Randomize
