Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
