I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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