i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Randomize
