The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Holy shit dude........stairs
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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